Jokes for women

Men are like...

Men are like.....Floor Tiles
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years!
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Snow storms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.
Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest
Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like....Newborn babies.
They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
Men are like.....Crystal.
Some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.
Men are like.....Dry cleaners.
Most work fast and leave no ring.
Men are like..... Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God..."Lord, I'm bored!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, 'Lord?"
This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be
bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical wants. He'll be witless, and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ....
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first ....
So, just remember ..... it's our secret .... woman-to-woman!"

Maths

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband .................

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up...

The Baby

This woman gives birth to a baby and afterwards the doctor comes in and he says,
"I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now nothing's wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis.....
AND a brain?"