Misc
Retour
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike."
She's Crafty!
A woman asked her husband, "If I died, would you get married again?"
"Definitely not!" he replied.
"Why not, don't you like being married?" she asked curiously.
"Of course I do," he said.
"Then, why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Okay, I'd get married again," he admitted.
"You would?" she asked hurtfully.
"Yes, I would," he said with confidence.
The woman pressed, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
The man replied, "Of course. Where else would we sleep?"
"Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?"
"Sure. That would seem like the right thing to do."
"Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
"She can't use them. She's left-handed."
THE BUTLER DID IT
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She said they would be home very late and he
should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her.
She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
TWO COWS...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM :
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM :
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION :
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION :
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You worship them.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...