| Pat Buchanan: | To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. |
| Louis Farrakhan: | The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. |
| L.A. Police Department: | Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. |
| Timothy Leary: | Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. |
| Richard M. Nixon: | The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. |
| Saddam Hussein: | This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. |
| Dr. Seuss: | Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told! |
| Carl Jung: | The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchroniciously brought such occurrences into being. |
| Mulder: | It was a government conspiracy. |
| Scully: | It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens. |
| Darwin: | Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Plus, it was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. |
| Oliver Stone: | The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time and whom did we overlook in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" |
| Jerry Seinfeld: | Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" |
| Grandpa: | In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. |
| George Orwell: | Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. |
| Nietzsche: | Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. |
| B.F. Skinner: | Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill. |
| Albert Einstein: | Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. |
| Pyrrho the Skeptic: | What road? |
| The Sphinx: | You tell me. |
| Emily Dickenson: | Because it could not stop for death. |
| Ernest Hemingway: | To die. In the rain. |
| O.J.: | It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time. |
| Colonel Sanders: | I missed one? |